When things just slip away from you..

It has been a mixed bag of a new year. It started off great and then came a major glitch. Something that I can do nothing about except wait around twiddling my thumbs and hope and pray that things fall into place.

It feels surreal. These past few weeks I was the happiest I have been in a long, long time and then BAM. Just like that, my happiness vanished and was replaced by trepidation, uncertainty and misery. I don't know what to do and how to get my perspective back. My reserve of strength and resolve is diminishing. There is only so much I can take.

I don't want to go into the details right now but if you are reading this and you are the praying kind, please include me in your prayers tonight.

2012

I cannot say I am sad to see 2011 end. It was probably one of the worst years of my life filled with so much negativity. I am, however, eagerly looking forward to see how 2012 will pan out. It started off well. New year's eve was a quiet affair with M and I heading out to dinner and then watching MI 4. The movie was amazing and dinner was pleasant. We got back home and watched yet another movie called Paul (the one about the alien?) and rang in the new year with lots of laughter and hugs and kisses. It felt good being at home with M and I am glad I stuck to my decision about not going to any of the new year parties that we normally do.

The thing is New Year's eve has always been a cluster. There is always so much pressure to do something "hip" and be at some party that is "happening". We get all these tentative invitations from people but no one wants to confirm until the 30th night. And then there is even more confusion because the guest list is common and people don't know which party to attend. After much back and forth, a decision is made and the details are sent out. Now the party itself is usually nice but then we end up coming back home at an ungodly hour as a result of which we wake up at an ungodly hour the next day to realize that most of New Year's day is almost gone. And if by any chance, we decided to host our own party then it gets much worse as there are way too many permutations.

So this year we spent a lovely, quiet evening together. Slept at a decent time and woke up refreshed at a decent time and got a lot done on New Year's day. Everyone who called to wish us asked what we did for NYE and we told them how our evening went, we got a lot of "Oh, I wish we had known you guys were not doing anything. We would have insisted you come over to our party." Duh.

Someone once said, "There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

This is going to be my New Year's Resolution! Happy 2012, people!

Century

Blogger informs me that this would be post #100. Wow. It only took me close to four long years to get here!

I owe my blog big time. When I decided to start blogging, it was just as an experiment. A platform to write. At that point, I had never imagined that I would gain such a wonderful virtual family and some of them would eventually go on to become real life buddies. Or that it  would bring some real life buddies of mine even closer since we were now privy to each other's ruminations and fears and opinions that we wouldn't otherwise share.

I have been out of circulation in the blog world for a long time now. I kept disappearing for long periods of time. And yet, I continued to receive emails from folks I met through my blog, inquiring about my mother or just saying hello for which I am truly grateful and touched.

A big thank you to all you wonderful folks for being there and not giving up on me. I hope to write more often from now on and it would be great to re-connect virtually all over again.

Do stop by and say hello, won't you?

Dark

Its a dull and dreary day outside. The skies are dark and grey much like the mood that I am in presently.

I have been wanting to jump-start this blog into action for a while now and every time I sat to write, I blanked out completely. I have so much to say but I seem to run out of words, a situation that is very alien to me. 

It has been a very rough year especially the past few months. My mom succumbed to cancer and breathed her last in October. Needless to say, it was very very hard to see her suffer and then to lose her. I literally saw her take her last breath and I am still tortured by the memories of those last few days in the hospital before she passed on. I stayed on with my dad for a few weeks until he was ready to go back to work and then flew back home. I was obviously torn between not wanting to leave my dad by himself and having to come back and pick up from where I left off and get back to my life and my husband and my job. It has been an uphill task of trying to restore some semblance of normalcy in my life.

I read Chandni's post a few days ago and it felt like looking into a mirror. Especially the part about finding it very difficult to reach out to people and ask for help. I somehow feel that if people around me know me well enough, they would understand me and my emotional state of mind and realize that I did need them and they would reach out to me instead of waiting for me to do so. But I guess I was wrong and most people just assumed that I am really strong and am holding up well enough to be left alone. I am extremely grateful to the handful that reached out and wistful about the majority that just let me fend for myself.

I need some serious therapy it looks like! I just realized how dark this post is. Yuck. I hope that changes soon enough.

Enthiran - the experience

So I watched Enthiran last night at a special pre-screening show that cost us a whopping $25.00 apiece! It was worth every cent and then some!

The show was at 6 pm and yet, by the time we reached the theater it was already 5.35 pm. Luckily for us, some of our friends who had reached much earlier had reserved seats for us. Now there was a huge controversy over seat reservations as well! A few folks who arrived a little earlier than us and could not find decent seats were pretty miffed and went to the extent of complaining to the manager of the theater! Apparently our friends were at the receiving end of several cold glares and angry outbursts when they refused to let people sit in the empty seats next to them. So before we knew it, the hall was packed. Every single seat was occupied and people were still streaming in. The manager then had to put folding chairs in the aisles to accommodate those that they were standing.

And then the madness set in. The titles started rolling in and the crowd went berserk when the superstar's name flashed on the screen in big bold letters. There was a deafening roar accompanied by loud whistling and strips of paper and confetti being thrown all over the place. I had never ever seen such a display of devotion ever! Normally, Rajni makes a very dramatic entry in all his movies but in Enthiran, his entry was very muted and they stuck to the validity of the script and didn't go overboard which I absolutely loved! From then on it was total paisa wasool! There was an overload of Rajni on the screen. Every dialogue and every dance step was cheered loudly right upto the very end. My friend , who was sitting next to me had found recently that she was pregnant and she is a huge Rajnikanth fan. She had come well prepared with a huge army training whistle that she was perpetually blowing! Call it pregnancy hormones or just plain devotion to the superstar, she had the time of her life!! And so did I! I enjoyed myself to the hilt and found myself screaming and dancing along with everybody else. The thing to note was that 95% of the folks in the theater last evening were all in their 20s or 30s and yet they were rooting for the superstar and seemed to worship the ground he walked on.

I will not review the movie here but I will say that it was very entertaining and very well made. The graphics were absolutely gorgeous and Rajni outdid himself as the villain. The only sore point of the movie to me was Aishwarya Rai. She looked so out of place in the whole scheme of things and generally got on my nerves.

I went in wanting to watch a movie and what I got was a complete experience! Such was the power of Rajni!

Edited to add : Anyone catch the lyrics of the "Kilimanjaro" song? Holy Cow! It felt like the script of a porn movie while reading the subtitles on screen!

Influenc(z)e-a

* So I have been really sick all weekend long.It started off as a cold and then morphed into a really terrible cold and cough with a stomach bug thrown in for added measure. It naturally fell upon the husband to take care of me and nurse me back to health. I do give him credit for being a sweetheart and indulging me and generally doing a good job of being my caregiver but despite everything, I somehow could not stop wanting my mommy! This obviously did not go down too well with M but he was nice enough to not let it affect his care-giving duties. I shudder to think of when and how the bitterness will manifest itself!

* I have know M since we were in high school and yet after we got married, I suddenly morphed into this control freak and wanted things done my way. Thankfully, I realized my folly soon enough and learned to let go and take it easy. I was hoping that we both would influence each other and some of our positives would rub off on each other. Well, it struck me yesterday that the end result has been that I have imbibed most of M's negative qualities and made them ours now so there is no distinction! So I am now lazier and less prone to losing my mind over a sink full of dishes and M, he just remained the way he was. This was obviously not the plan I had in mind but what the heck, I am at peace with it!

Hello World!

Do you remember watching The Wonder Years? I totally loved the show and still manage to catch an episode or two on TV once in a while and enjoy watching it just as much. I think Fred Savage is the cutest ever and he managed to depict the pains of growing up so remarkably well.

I have had my share of growing up pains but its been a pleasant journey mostly. I met so many people with whom I have had very close relationships that lasted for a very short period of time and yet remain special to this day.I don't think of them very often. Once in a while though, a line from a movie or show or book or a remark made by someone triggers off memories and I am completely overcome by warm nostalgia. And when it so happens that the very person you were thinking about somehow happens to send you an email at that very instant and wants to re-connect, your happiness knows no bounds. You realize that there is still something tangible left in that relationship and you want to make a fresh start and forgot about the acrimony of the past.

Well, since it happened quite a few times over these past few months, I took it as a sign. So here I am, re-connecting with my blog and everyone in the blog world. I am back, baby and hopefully am here for the long haul this time! Well, time will tell but for now, I am just happy to be here :)