When things just slip away from you..

It has been a mixed bag of a new year. It started off great and then came a major glitch. Something that I can do nothing about except wait around twiddling my thumbs and hope and pray that things fall into place.

It feels surreal. These past few weeks I was the happiest I have been in a long, long time and then BAM. Just like that, my happiness vanished and was replaced by trepidation, uncertainty and misery. I don't know what to do and how to get my perspective back. My reserve of strength and resolve is diminishing. There is only so much I can take.

I don't want to go into the details right now but if you are reading this and you are the praying kind, please include me in your prayers tonight.

2012

I cannot say I am sad to see 2011 end. It was probably one of the worst years of my life filled with so much negativity. I am, however, eagerly looking forward to see how 2012 will pan out. It started off well. New year's eve was a quiet affair with M and I heading out to dinner and then watching MI 4. The movie was amazing and dinner was pleasant. We got back home and watched yet another movie called Paul (the one about the alien?) and rang in the new year with lots of laughter and hugs and kisses. It felt good being at home with M and I am glad I stuck to my decision about not going to any of the new year parties that we normally do.

The thing is New Year's eve has always been a cluster. There is always so much pressure to do something "hip" and be at some party that is "happening". We get all these tentative invitations from people but no one wants to confirm until the 30th night. And then there is even more confusion because the guest list is common and people don't know which party to attend. After much back and forth, a decision is made and the details are sent out. Now the party itself is usually nice but then we end up coming back home at an ungodly hour as a result of which we wake up at an ungodly hour the next day to realize that most of New Year's day is almost gone. And if by any chance, we decided to host our own party then it gets much worse as there are way too many permutations.

So this year we spent a lovely, quiet evening together. Slept at a decent time and woke up refreshed at a decent time and got a lot done on New Year's day. Everyone who called to wish us asked what we did for NYE and we told them how our evening went, we got a lot of "Oh, I wish we had known you guys were not doing anything. We would have insisted you come over to our party." Duh.

Someone once said, "There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

This is going to be my New Year's Resolution! Happy 2012, people!

Century

Blogger informs me that this would be post #100. Wow. It only took me close to four long years to get here!

I owe my blog big time. When I decided to start blogging, it was just as an experiment. A platform to write. At that point, I had never imagined that I would gain such a wonderful virtual family and some of them would eventually go on to become real life buddies. Or that it  would bring some real life buddies of mine even closer since we were now privy to each other's ruminations and fears and opinions that we wouldn't otherwise share.

I have been out of circulation in the blog world for a long time now. I kept disappearing for long periods of time. And yet, I continued to receive emails from folks I met through my blog, inquiring about my mother or just saying hello for which I am truly grateful and touched.

A big thank you to all you wonderful folks for being there and not giving up on me. I hope to write more often from now on and it would be great to re-connect virtually all over again.

Do stop by and say hello, won't you?

Dark

Its a dull and dreary day outside. The skies are dark and grey much like the mood that I am in presently.

I have been wanting to jump-start this blog into action for a while now and every time I sat to write, I blanked out completely. I have so much to say but I seem to run out of words, a situation that is very alien to me. 

It has been a very rough year especially the past few months. My mom succumbed to cancer and breathed her last in October. Needless to say, it was very very hard to see her suffer and then to lose her. I literally saw her take her last breath and I am still tortured by the memories of those last few days in the hospital before she passed on. I stayed on with my dad for a few weeks until he was ready to go back to work and then flew back home. I was obviously torn between not wanting to leave my dad by himself and having to come back and pick up from where I left off and get back to my life and my husband and my job. It has been an uphill task of trying to restore some semblance of normalcy in my life.

I read Chandni's post a few days ago and it felt like looking into a mirror. Especially the part about finding it very difficult to reach out to people and ask for help. I somehow feel that if people around me know me well enough, they would understand me and my emotional state of mind and realize that I did need them and they would reach out to me instead of waiting for me to do so. But I guess I was wrong and most people just assumed that I am really strong and am holding up well enough to be left alone. I am extremely grateful to the handful that reached out and wistful about the majority that just let me fend for myself.

I need some serious therapy it looks like! I just realized how dark this post is. Yuck. I hope that changes soon enough.

Enthiran - the experience

So I watched Enthiran last night at a special pre-screening show that cost us a whopping $25.00 apiece! It was worth every cent and then some!

The show was at 6 pm and yet, by the time we reached the theater it was already 5.35 pm. Luckily for us, some of our friends who had reached much earlier had reserved seats for us. Now there was a huge controversy over seat reservations as well! A few folks who arrived a little earlier than us and could not find decent seats were pretty miffed and went to the extent of complaining to the manager of the theater! Apparently our friends were at the receiving end of several cold glares and angry outbursts when they refused to let people sit in the empty seats next to them. So before we knew it, the hall was packed. Every single seat was occupied and people were still streaming in. The manager then had to put folding chairs in the aisles to accommodate those that they were standing.

And then the madness set in. The titles started rolling in and the crowd went berserk when the superstar's name flashed on the screen in big bold letters. There was a deafening roar accompanied by loud whistling and strips of paper and confetti being thrown all over the place. I had never ever seen such a display of devotion ever! Normally, Rajni makes a very dramatic entry in all his movies but in Enthiran, his entry was very muted and they stuck to the validity of the script and didn't go overboard which I absolutely loved! From then on it was total paisa wasool! There was an overload of Rajni on the screen. Every dialogue and every dance step was cheered loudly right upto the very end. My friend , who was sitting next to me had found recently that she was pregnant and she is a huge Rajnikanth fan. She had come well prepared with a huge army training whistle that she was perpetually blowing! Call it pregnancy hormones or just plain devotion to the superstar, she had the time of her life!! And so did I! I enjoyed myself to the hilt and found myself screaming and dancing along with everybody else. The thing to note was that 95% of the folks in the theater last evening were all in their 20s or 30s and yet they were rooting for the superstar and seemed to worship the ground he walked on.

I will not review the movie here but I will say that it was very entertaining and very well made. The graphics were absolutely gorgeous and Rajni outdid himself as the villain. The only sore point of the movie to me was Aishwarya Rai. She looked so out of place in the whole scheme of things and generally got on my nerves.

I went in wanting to watch a movie and what I got was a complete experience! Such was the power of Rajni!

Edited to add : Anyone catch the lyrics of the "Kilimanjaro" song? Holy Cow! It felt like the script of a porn movie while reading the subtitles on screen!

Influenc(z)e-a

* So I have been really sick all weekend long.It started off as a cold and then morphed into a really terrible cold and cough with a stomach bug thrown in for added measure. It naturally fell upon the husband to take care of me and nurse me back to health. I do give him credit for being a sweetheart and indulging me and generally doing a good job of being my caregiver but despite everything, I somehow could not stop wanting my mommy! This obviously did not go down too well with M but he was nice enough to not let it affect his care-giving duties. I shudder to think of when and how the bitterness will manifest itself!

* I have know M since we were in high school and yet after we got married, I suddenly morphed into this control freak and wanted things done my way. Thankfully, I realized my folly soon enough and learned to let go and take it easy. I was hoping that we both would influence each other and some of our positives would rub off on each other. Well, it struck me yesterday that the end result has been that I have imbibed most of M's negative qualities and made them ours now so there is no distinction! So I am now lazier and less prone to losing my mind over a sink full of dishes and M, he just remained the way he was. This was obviously not the plan I had in mind but what the heck, I am at peace with it!

Hello World!

Do you remember watching The Wonder Years? I totally loved the show and still manage to catch an episode or two on TV once in a while and enjoy watching it just as much. I think Fred Savage is the cutest ever and he managed to depict the pains of growing up so remarkably well.

I have had my share of growing up pains but its been a pleasant journey mostly. I met so many people with whom I have had very close relationships that lasted for a very short period of time and yet remain special to this day.I don't think of them very often. Once in a while though, a line from a movie or show or book or a remark made by someone triggers off memories and I am completely overcome by warm nostalgia. And when it so happens that the very person you were thinking about somehow happens to send you an email at that very instant and wants to re-connect, your happiness knows no bounds. You realize that there is still something tangible left in that relationship and you want to make a fresh start and forgot about the acrimony of the past.

Well, since it happened quite a few times over these past few months, I took it as a sign. So here I am, re-connecting with my blog and everyone in the blog world. I am back, baby and hopefully am here for the long haul this time! Well, time will tell but for now, I am just happy to be here :)

Happy New Year!

2010 is finally here. I don't know what is in store for me this new year but I am hoping that it is nothing like the last one.

Last year went by like a blur. It started off with a bang with us buying a house and me starting a new job. But soon after, we found out that my mother's cancer was back and this time with a vengeance. It had metastasized to 4 other organs and her oncologist was not very hopeful of a good outcome. Long story short, she has been undergoing several different and extremely harsh treatment options and there has been moderate improvement in her condition but the toll that it has taken on her general health and state of mind is inexplicable. Each cycle of treatment came with its own set of side effects and issues and took away a part of my parents at the end of it. To their credit, my parents are a very strong and determined couple. They are doing incredibly well given their circumstances. They are hanging in there. In turn, I am hanging in there. I don't know for how much longer though. It also does not help that I live in a whole different continent. So many problems, no viable solution in sight.

Taking a leaf out of my mother's book, I cannot call 2009 a complete washout. I am thankful for a lot of things like :

* My husband. My rock. My strength. The only reason that I am still sane and functional.

* I became very close to several people that I met through my blog and I am so thankful for it. I know that if I ever need to talk, they are all just an email or IM away. And this makes me feel so immensely secure because my natural tenency is to keep things bottled up inside of me. I realized that I cannot be that way anymore. I have to reach out. I need to reach out. But I was apprenhensive to do so. What if I was turned down or ignored? Or worse, what if I was misunderstood? Well, my apprehensions were laid to rest very quickly. I can go on and on about each one of them, but if I had to associate one word or phrase with them, some examples would be :

• Guardian angel
• Genuine.
  
• Rock solid
• Voice of reason
• Compassionate

This list is no way complete. I just want to say thank you all for being there for it means a lot to me.

* My best friends in the real world, especially this one and the one that lives in another continent and is the mother of the most adorable little boy and little girl I have ever met. You keep me sane and strong and focussed at all times and just let me be. I don't know what I would have done with you.

* My aunt who is a physician and everybody else in the family that has been there for us all through our difficult journey.

* All those lovely people like her, who sent me wonderful emails with precious information about breast cancer, who wrote about their personal experiences about battling cancer and who generally made me feel so much more positive. All this after either just chancing upon my blog or hearing about my situation from a friend of a friend. How blessed am I! Thank you all so much.

I just realized that I could go on and add a few more points to the above list which is so terrific under the circumstances! I am hoping that this new year is better than the last and brings with it happiness, good health and cheer. For me and my family and to all you wonderful folks!

I need a favor...

I know I have been AWOL for the longest time. I have my reasons , most of which are too painful to articulate.

I have been getting emails and gentle reminders from some of you who used to read my blog and I am so thankful to you guys for not writing me and my blog off. So going by the assumption that my blog continues to have some readership, I have a favor to ask.

Does anyone know anything about the Stem Cell Research scene in India , especially in Bangalore? I did read a couple of articles that mentioned IISc and AIIMS. I was wondering if anybody had any information about what kind of research is being  conducted specifically to cure metastatic breast cancer? If you do come across some information, would you be so kind as to pass it along my way please? Please. I would be immensely grateful.

I am afraid this is all I have for now. I will be back soon and I will write more and stop being so cagey. But for now, this is all I can manage.

Thank you all so much.

I am still here...

My last post was a while ago. Every so often, I would have these surgent thoughts but I never got down to putting them down on paper. I could have written post after post about how much I hate my new job already or about how weird and petty my current boss is. I guess I was just too overwhelmed with it all because I felt incredibly ungrateful whenever I complained about my new job.I still have a job that pays and this counts for a lot these days. It has been an extremely hectic past few weeks. New job, new people, new culture, new rules, new job profile. Its been 5 weeks and I am nowhere close to feeling at ease.

It finally took this post by Cluelessness to shake me out of this bout of inactivity and attempt to revive my blog. I am in that really fun phase where I am constantly looking for ideas to decorate my house. I have all these plans that seem really cool in my head but its hard to find stuff that fit into my grand scheme of things and bring those plans to fruition. I am thoroughly enjoying the whole process though.There is nothing more exhilarating than the experience of getting to do your home in whatsoever way you think fit! It is for sure work in progress since there is always something or the other that needs to be done or bought or fixed or added or changed!

I am able to keep my sanity intact mainly because I am still on an incredible high, thanks to our new home. It gives me an outlet to let all my frustration out and give it a more creative and constructive outlet. Retails therapy helps some too. La Vida Loca, this is for you :

Update : All is well!

I just spoke to my mother and all is well! Her oncologist confirmed that the lump was not a tumor and he suspects it is due to a hairline fracture of the bone between the breasts which has complicated as it was not attended to earlier. I wasn't paying too much attention after I heard the magic words, "The doc said it is nothing!". That I was worried sick is an understatement. But now all is well and I can go back to giving the new home the attention it deserves!

The past month has been really crazy. Just when something nice would happen, we would get some really bad news and would have to expend all our energy in trying to fix the problem. It was like a really vicious cycle. But I am not complaining because in the end everything worked out for the good.

There have been some recent discussions in the blog world about why people blog and what does blogging mean to them. I thought I blogged because I like to write. But I have come to realize that is so much more. I blog to keep in touch with all you wonderful blog buddies.....people that I haven't met in real life but I feel so connected with.Thank you guys so much for your love and support, it means a lot to me. It was very difficult for me to agonize in isolation and without even realizing, I ended up blogging about how I felt and what was going on with me. And the comments came in immediately. It is this kind of solidarity that I have always craved for.

Out of my self imposed exile

Life has been like a really scary roller coaster ride with so many ups and downs that by the time I would compose my thoughts to blog about one thing, something else would have happened that would need all my attention and energy.

So what have I been upto you ask? Lets see....I was almost laid off from my job. But luckily, I managed to find another fantastic job just in the nick of time. And oh, we bought a new house! Yes people, M and I are proud owners of a warm and cozy home that we both are so much in love with! The whole process of getting to this stage was very grueling but the end result was worth every bit! So almost all my time was devoted to packing and moving and unpacking and then some. Somehow it just dosen't seem to end. There is so much to be done everyday. I will write all about our experience in a seperate post.

But amidst all this excitement, there is so much despair that it makes it almost impossible to feel any happiness. I have already written about my mother's battle with breast cancer and how she overcame it. Just when we were beginning to heave a sigh of relief and forget all about it, she found another lump in her breast and back. She is getting it checked out tomorrow and we will know more by Saturday evening. I have just gone numb from inside. I go about doing my chores mechanically as I feel almost incapable ot feeling anything. My mother is one tough cookie. But she has gone through so much and has been battle-scarred pretty badly. She deserves good health and happiness and peace of mind but instead, a very scary shadow of doubt has been cast. I am hoping and praying fervently that the lumps turn out to be benign and that it is nothing serious. I will be starting my new job from Monday so I don't see how I can take off and go to India in case the need arises. I cannot imagine how my parents will handle things by themselves. Its just breaking my heart. I cannot wait for Saturday to know more. At the same time , I don't want Saturday to come.

I love you, Amma. I am hoping and praying that it is nothing....that you will be just fine.

Show me the money (a'la Jerry Maguire..)

The current economic recession has been on everyone's mind from the last few months. Earlier it used to be more of a topic for debate and discussion but off late I have begun to see its impact from close quarters and it doesn't look pretty at all. Things have begun to look a little shaky at work what with the funding for our project being in jeopardy. I hear hushed whispers of how it would be better for all of us if we had "our options open". All kinds of rumors are being circulated and it is just adding to the uncertainty. For now,I am just glad I still have a job! I also see how some very close friends are grappling with their respective situations and it makes me feel very sad and frustrated.

A bunch of us had gone to the Winstar casino in Gainesville, OK, last weekend and for those 3-4 hours, it was so easy to forget about how bad the economy is and how it is impacting everybody. The casino is really huge and 80% of the area was filled with slot machines of different kinds.And every single one of them was occupied! People were merrily gambling away their money and each bet was a minimum of $100. We saw this guy lose $100 in less than 10 seconds at this high stake slot machine and he went on play for yet another $100 bet. We were not too keen on gambling as we were there to just have some fun and take in the sights so we decided to set ourselves a limit of a measly $10 each. The other seasoned gamblers had a good laugh at our expense! But then again it was our hard earned money and we were not willing to part with too much of it so there.

So yeah, its been a mixed start to the new year. There is some uncertainity but the possibilites are endless and I am determined to not get bogged down by the negativity and stay focussed. It is hard but I am sure it can be done.

The year that was...

I am not big into retrospection in general because it usually is a very tiring process. It should suffice to say that this year has been good.

M and I traveled around the country quite a bit and we saw some amazing places and indulged in some real fun activities like white water rafting. Both of us turned 30 and had a blast while doing so. I got to meet both my best friends and it was wonderful. I got to spend time with my darling little niece. I re-connected and bonded with certain members of my family and it felt great. M and I took some really important decisions and we so look forward to their fruition next year. I made some new friends and got back in touch with some old ones. I met some of my blogger friends and thoroughly enjoyed spending time with them. I developed a wonderful friendship with some other terrific bloggers and I so look forward to meeting them in person sometime soon.

My professional life wasn't as exciting though and I wasn't in the best of health either but I am hoping this will be remedied in the year(s) to come.But apart from that,I have no complaints. Its been a wonderful year and I can already feel the excitement as I get ready to usher in 2009.

Here's wishing all you wonderful folks a very happy new year!

Change is constant

On days when I have free time on hand and nothing else to do, I tend to sit back and introspect. And off late, the one thing that I seem to think about a lot is change. Change in me, change in the people around me, change in the places I have lived in. For someone who found it very difficult to adapt to change, I seem to have taken all the aforementioned changes in my stride quite well I might add. Some of it went completely unnoticed by me and only when someone else pointed it out did I realize that there was something different after all.

People who have known me for a long time can vouch for that fact that I have mellowed down considerably.You see, I used to be this fire cracker, always ready to explode. I got into a lot of trouble for saying the wrong things at the wrong times but I could not care less. There were certain things that I just could not tolerate and I made it very abundantly clear to everyone around me. I was stubborn and my thinking was very radical and in essence, different from everyone else. I dated a guy 2 years younger than I was and could not comprehend what the fuss was all about. If I didn't like someone, I made it plenty obvious to them since diplomacy was something I totally lacked.

I don't know what it was that brought about the change and whether it was gradual or sudden, but I do know that I am a much milder version of my former self. Somewhere during the process of "growing up", without my knowledge, I became more tolerant and less stubborn. I still suck at diplomacy but I have learned to not say anything at all rather than say the wrong thing. But I still have very strong views about certain things and do not hesitate to express said views. But I find it hard to express strong emotions such as anger or frustration or even affection for that matter. And the part that saddens me the most is that I am unable to coherently put down my thoughts even on paper because that was something I could do very well. I could write about anything and talk about anything and always managed to convey my point very clearly across to the other person. But as the years flew by, I no longer felt the need to be verbose. I didn't quite feel the urge to try and explain everything that is in my head to the other person and make myself heard no matter what.

I took to blogging because I felt a strong need to go back to being the kind of person I was which is the more expressive and articulate version of myself. But so many times when I was overcome by very strong emotions, I found myself searching for words to express what was going through my mind. And this just made me feel sad since I never ever had such an issue before. Words came very easily to me. Thoughts came very easily to me. Opinions came very easily to me. In a way all of that still holds good. Its just that I no longer feel the need to express it as much. Of course, when it comes to a handful of people who are very close to me like the husband and my best friends and parents to an extent, none of the above holds good. To them,I am pretty much the same person I used to be and thank god for that liberty.

So basically some of the changes have been good and some well, not so good.I, like everyone else, gave in to the diktats of nature. I adapted. I "grew up". I became more mature. All very natural processes that everyone goes through at some point in their lives. But the point of this rather unwieldy rant is that I am still unable to decide what I like more ; if an old friend commented on how I just haven't changed or if the said friend commented on how he/she cannot believe how much I have changed and it almost seems like I am a different person altogether.

Money matters

I am addicted to the lattes at Starbucks. Despite being severely allergic to caffeine, I cannot keep off the Starbucks latte. I have never taken well to caffeine especially in the form of coffee.I get pimples and my acid reflux kicks in and if the coffee was consumed on an empty stomach, I experience discomfort all day long. And yet, when the latte beckons, I cannot muster enough determination to walk away from it! Of course I don't do it everyday. I indulge myself probably once a week.

My aunt often comments on how drinking coffee from Starbucks is so pretentious and how regular coffee isn't good enough for me.Well, I have said this before and I say it again, I love my lattes so sue me! The husband and I are not big spend thrifts but at the same time we don't keep account of how each penny is spent. We eat out when we get bored of cooking at home. We go on a vacation when we feel we need a break and of course if there happens to be a good deal on airfares and hotel tariffs. We shop when we see a sale or when we have coupons. So yes we indulge but we don't overdo it by any standards. We are prudent and we are aware of our how much we can stretch ourselves financially. We have seen life as students here in the US and trust me when I say that being a student in the US is as rough it gets. After being through all of that, we want to take it easy and enjoy some benefits of whatever little we have of our hard earned money. The bottom line is that it works for us and that is all there is to it.

My point is despite the recession and the current economic crisis, there are certain things that I won't comprise on.Groceries for example.We don't believe in skimping on groceries and buying sub standard stuff. So the real question is where does one draw the line? You work so hard all year long and if you cannot enjoy the fruits of your labor then that is a very sad situation. So do you go all out and pull the plug on everything else except basic necessities like food,utilities and rent? Or do you stick to your current lifestyle and stay oblivious to the changes around you?

We took the road in between.We are aware of whats happening around us and we have altered our lifestyle accordingly and are in the process of figuring out what works best for us.

But I would really like to know your take on this matter and what you have been doing to adjust to the current shaky economy.

We move on...

Mumbai has entered the proverbial calm after the storm phase. The finger pointing and blame game continues unabated.

Politicians are resigning from their posts, an action that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. They fail miserably in a task assigned to them and instead of taking responsibility for their actions and making a sincere effort to remedy the situation, they run away like cowards. And you have politicians insulting a brave soldier and his family. And there there are politicians that take their actor-kid and his director friend along to inspect the damages sustained by the Taj and Oberoi like it was a field trip.

What were they thinking? Is this what we, as a democratic nation, elected to power?

And then there are those SMSes doing rounds about how all the deceased in Mumbai were Marati Manoos and counter SMSes about how the commandos were all non Maratis. Really?

I know a lot of folks from Maharashtra and I can vouch for the fact that none of them would ever condone this regional bias that some demented people are hell bent on promoting. So all you nitwits out there, please spare the people of Mumbai and let them get on with their lives. Yes, they are resilient but that in no way means that you guys should put their resilience to test by subjecting them to your meaningless agendas.They have suffered enough so please show them the respect they deserve.

We lose faith. We lament. We curse. We hurt. We grieve. And then we pick up from where we left off and move on. Slowly and painfully. One day at a time.

'Tis the season

So winter is officially here. My favorite time of the year. It is treacherous though since the sun is shining real bright but should you step out without adequate insulation, you would freeze instantly.

I have rediscovered my love for hot chocolate and the Ghiradelli Dark Chocolate powder has never tasted better. My sister-in-law and I picked up a box each from the Ghiradelli square in SFO and while her stash goes into the yummy cakes she's been baking ever since we got back, I have been ODing on hot chocolate. I finally get to wear my lovely, soft sweaters and my ankle length boots to work. I also get to feel super hot in my knee high Aldo leather boots and woollen skirts. My craving for chai at all odd hours of the day is no longer frowned upon and my co-worker willingly agrees to accompany me to the local desi joint.

And the shopping.Don't get me started on the shopping.This year the Black Friday sales have started earlier than usual to try and lure unsuspecting, hapless folks into parting with their hard earned money in exchange for some incredibly satisfying retail therapy.I have decided to do my part by jump-starting the economy with my shop till I drop policy.

Thing at work are slower than ever since most people are on vacation. It gives me time to take stock and get some fresh perspective on the way I want my professional life to be from this point on.

Did I mention that I love winters? And you?

Repressed memories

Chandni said it all when she wrote.."Its like opening a Pandora’s box...". I read SnS's post on the same topic and I just had to vent.

I guess all our experiences with perverts while traveling in buses are more or less similar. My story goes one step forward.So there was this guy,a classmate in college, whom I was so totally oblivious to that I had no idea he even existed or that we were in the same class.Turns out that he lived very close to where I did and when he did attend college,we would take the same bus from the same bus stop.One day on my way back home from college,he accosted me and asked to borrow my Computer Science notes since he hadn't attended college for god knows how long and exams were around the corner.I obviously refused politely since I hardly knew the guy and I needed my notes to prepare for the upcoming exams. My turning his request down for some reason seemed to have had a very adverse effect on him and he took it upon himself to make my life miserable since that day.

There was this park that spanned across maybe half a mile from the bus stop to the street in which my house was.This creep and his friends would sit on one of the benches in that park every single day and the moment they saw me, they would all yell out my name as loud as they could.Initially I didn't pay much attention and just ignored them.Soon they started passing weird comments as well.That really got to me and I would turn around and glare at them and they would just laugh and do it all the more.I tried talking to that guy but it was of no use.I was after all this meek, bespectacled,class-nerd whose polite words were no match to that guy's abusive language.I told my dad about it and he went and talked to them but again it was of no use.My dad is again a very soft-spoken man who has never uttered a harsh word in his entire life. These guys would pretend that they did nothing wrong in front of my dad and make it look like I was making it all up.The moment my dad turned around the corner, the whole routine would start all over again.This torture continued day after day and I felt so miserable and helpless and angry and violated. That 4 minute walk from the bus stand to my house used to the worst part of my day and I dreaded it with all my heart.

A few months later,I was with a group of friends and I just happened to casually mention this episode to them and how frustrating my life had become.And just like that, from the very next day, it stopped. I never saw that guy or his friends ever again in that park and there was no one torturing me and making my life a living hell. I was of course thrilled to bits but I was also super intrigued about the sudden change. It was too good to be true.

It was only a year or so later that I found out what really transpired. In that group of friends that I mentioned earlier, there was this guy.Lets call him S. S was actually my best friend B's classmate and a very close friend of hers.I used to hang out with B and her friends all the time so I knew them quite well. S is the quintessential guy with a golden heart but a toughie on the outside. After hearing my story, he decided to take matters in his own hands. He along with a couple of friends confronted that creep and beat the life out of him and let him go only after warning him that if he ever messed with me again,they would throw him under a bus at the very same bus stop. That was enough to scare the living daylights out of that guy and he never bothered me ever again.

I don't think I ever managed to thank S enough for what he did for me. Everytime I brought it up, he used to just give me a hug and brush it aside as nothing. Except that it was not nothing. It meant everything to me at that time. Though there was no physical harrasment involved, those guys did lot of damage to my already fragile self esteem. It was frustrating that being in the same locality made no difference to them. It was frustrating that neighbours who saw them bullying me did nothing to stop them as they brushed it aside as boyish pranks. After all those huligans were merely shouting out my name about a 100 times.It was frustrating that I couldn't handle it on my own and that I needed someone else, a tough guy nonetheless, to make it all go away.

I remember the day I told my husband about this incident. I told him every single detail and I wept.M held me close and I could feel his body tightening and his jaws clenching in rage.It was so therapeutic to just let go of the demons and unburden myself. And then there is today. This is where I undergo another round of therapy by writing about it and opening up to you all.

I did learn to stand up for myself and be more outspoken and bold after that incident.I just feel that the price I paid for it was a bit much.

Where was I?

Right here actually.Just that I have been really busy over the past few weeks.It was work initially and soon after, my mom-in-law came to town for a month long visit.She has been shuttling between our house and my brother-in-law's who lives in the same town.So a lot of fun was had and a lot of family bonding took place.A 5 day trip to the Bay Area with the whole family also happened which turned out to be one of the best vacations ever.Just that all the walking and standing in long lines took its toll on my back and I am still recouping.

Talking of family bonding, I guess every family has its own way of coming together and expressing affection. My family is loud and we believe in expressing our emotions openly and yes, loudly! We hug a lot and talk to each other all the time.M's family on the hand is quite the opposite.Both my in-laws are scientists, astrophysicists actually and they have their share of quirks and idiosyncrasies thereby living upto the general cliches` associated with professors and sciencys! So last Saturday, the weather was gloomy and the clouds threatened to burst open any minute. It was the perfect weather to curl up with a book and a mug of steaming hot chai and thats what I did. M and his mom spent all afternoon bonding with each other. Just that their idea of bonding was to sit in front of the big screen TV which has a CPU connected to it and browse through the map of California for hours on end! They both had so much fun just looking through the maps and figuring out the best possible driving options and flying options in terms of distance. I just sat there on the couch, looking at and listening to the mother and son who were perched in front of the TV on over sized cushions with their backs facing me and having such a good time.Something about that picture right there touched me very deeply.I only wish I had taken a picture to capture the warmth and tenderness and unspoken love in that moment.

M and I celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary tomorrow and it just dosen't feel like it has been that long since we got married.I have this weird problem of not being able to express myself all that well when it comes to someone very close to my heart.I wanted to give him a hand written letter tomorrow but knowing how words will fail me for sure,I did the next best thing.I asked him to write me a letter instead!He agreed readily so lets see how that goes.The journey so far has been wonderful and having M in my life has always brought out the best in me which I guess sums it all up.

Happy 5th, my love....and here's to many many more to come...