Its a dull and dreary day outside. The skies are dark and grey much like the mood that I am in presently.
I have been wanting to jump-start this blog into action for a while now and every time I sat to write, I blanked out completely. I have so much to say but I seem to run out of words, a situation that is very alien to me.
It has been a very rough year especially the past few months. My mom succumbed to cancer and breathed her last in October. Needless to say, it was very very hard to see her suffer and then to lose her. I literally saw her take her last breath and I am still tortured by the memories of those last few days in the hospital before she passed on. I stayed on with my dad for a few weeks until he was ready to go back to work and then flew back home. I was obviously torn between not wanting to leave my dad by himself and having to come back and pick up from where I left off and get back to my life and my husband and my job. It has been an uphill task of trying to restore some semblance of normalcy in my life.
I read Chandni's post a few days ago and it felt like looking into a mirror. Especially the part about finding it very difficult to reach out to people and ask for help. I somehow feel that if people around me know me well enough, they would understand me and my emotional state of mind and realize that I did need them and they would reach out to me instead of waiting for me to do so. But I guess I was wrong and most people just assumed that I am really strong and am holding up well enough to be left alone. I am extremely grateful to the handful that reached out and wistful about the majority that just let me fend for myself.
I need some serious therapy it looks like! I just realized how dark this post is. Yuck. I hope that changes soon enough.
I have been wanting to jump-start this blog into action for a while now and every time I sat to write, I blanked out completely. I have so much to say but I seem to run out of words, a situation that is very alien to me.
It has been a very rough year especially the past few months. My mom succumbed to cancer and breathed her last in October. Needless to say, it was very very hard to see her suffer and then to lose her. I literally saw her take her last breath and I am still tortured by the memories of those last few days in the hospital before she passed on. I stayed on with my dad for a few weeks until he was ready to go back to work and then flew back home. I was obviously torn between not wanting to leave my dad by himself and having to come back and pick up from where I left off and get back to my life and my husband and my job. It has been an uphill task of trying to restore some semblance of normalcy in my life.
I read Chandni's post a few days ago and it felt like looking into a mirror. Especially the part about finding it very difficult to reach out to people and ask for help. I somehow feel that if people around me know me well enough, they would understand me and my emotional state of mind and realize that I did need them and they would reach out to me instead of waiting for me to do so. But I guess I was wrong and most people just assumed that I am really strong and am holding up well enough to be left alone. I am extremely grateful to the handful that reached out and wistful about the majority that just let me fend for myself.
I need some serious therapy it looks like! I just realized how dark this post is. Yuck. I hope that changes soon enough.
5 comments:
I came here just yesterday to read some of your old posts about your mom; I don't know why. Was suddenly reminded of the one time I met her..
I find it very hard to talk to someone who has just lost a loved one (which I think is common to many). Even if I do manage a few words, I later feel I could have done better or said something more.
I guess people just give them space to breathe and not overwhelm them with their constant presence or checking on them. That's how I feel - like I'm intruding in their personal space at a time like that. But I do leave messages or emails to tell them that they're in my thoughts because they really are.
Good to have you back here, dear. And no, it's not a dark post.
Hugs!! You've always been in my thoughts. Always.
Its great ur talking about this.. it being a dark post is really not relevant. In fact, it would have been odd to see a carefree post after the difficult time you have had the last few years.
I hate talking about things in my life. I can rant, but I cannot have a discussion about the big things happening in my life.
Hugs!
I am here after such a long time and I read this. My prayers are with you and your family. Hugs.
Hey you are dealing with some serious things here, cut yourself some slack ok? Grieving a loss of a parent is one of the worst things in the world and it is a process. perhaps you can emulate a quality/some qualities amma embodied, that way she's always with you, see?
Hugs dear. I am there for you.
Opening up is so hard is it not? I know the pain you must be feeling and I so understand the need to talk but not being able to. I keep hoping that some good friends would give me that shoulder to cry every now and then but can't seem to ask for one. So I put up a front that everything is OK. It is not. I don't think it will be for a long time to come.
This is the first time I stopped by and don't really know you, but if there is ever a time you feel overwhelmed just drop a hint and I will try and be there for you.
Hope healing comes and with that some happy memories of your Mom.
Hugs!
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