On days when I have free time on hand and nothing else to do, I tend to sit back and introspect. And off late, the one thing that I seem to think about a lot is change. Change in me, change in the people around me, change in the places I have lived in. For someone who found it very difficult to adapt to change, I seem to have taken all the aforementioned changes in my stride quite well I might add. Some of it went completely unnoticed by me and only when someone else pointed it out did I realize that there was something different after all.
People who have known me for a long time can vouch for that fact that I have mellowed down considerably.You see, I used to be this fire cracker, always ready to explode. I got into a lot of trouble for saying the wrong things at the wrong times but I could not care less. There were certain things that I just could not tolerate and I made it very abundantly clear to everyone around me. I was stubborn and my thinking was very radical and in essence, different from everyone else. I dated a guy 2 years younger than I was and could not comprehend what the fuss was all about. If I didn't like someone, I made it plenty obvious to them since diplomacy was something I totally lacked.
I don't know what it was that brought about the change and whether it was gradual or sudden, but I do know that I am a much milder version of my former self. Somewhere during the process of "growing up", without my knowledge, I became more tolerant and less stubborn. I still suck at diplomacy but I have learned to not say anything at all rather than say the wrong thing. But I still have very strong views about certain things and do not hesitate to express said views. But I find it hard to express strong emotions such as anger or frustration or even affection for that matter. And the part that saddens me the most is that I am unable to coherently put down my thoughts even on paper because that was something I could do very well. I could write about anything and talk about anything and always managed to convey my point very clearly across to the other person. But as the years flew by, I no longer felt the need to be verbose. I didn't quite feel the urge to try and explain everything that is in my head to the other person and make myself heard no matter what.
I took to blogging because I felt a strong need to go back to being the kind of person I was which is the more expressive and articulate version of myself. But so many times when I was overcome by very strong emotions, I found myself searching for words to express what was going through my mind. And this just made me feel sad since I never ever had such an issue before. Words came very easily to me. Thoughts came very easily to me. Opinions came very easily to me. In a way all of that still holds good. Its just that I no longer feel the need to express it as much. Of course, when it comes to a handful of people who are very close to me like the husband and my best friends and parents to an extent, none of the above holds good. To them,I am pretty much the same person I used to be and thank god for that liberty.
So basically some of the changes have been good and some well, not so good.I, like everyone else, gave in to the diktats of nature. I adapted. I "grew up". I became more mature. All very natural processes that everyone goes through at some point in their lives. But the point of this rather unwieldy rant is that I am still unable to decide what I like more ; if an old friend commented on how I just haven't changed or if the said friend commented on how he/she cannot believe how much I have changed and it almost seems like I am a different person altogether.
