To go or not to go

I have been to Bangalore twice ever since I moved to the US about 4 years ago.The whole euphoria associated with a trip back home happened only during the first visit.The second visit of course was when my mother was unwell so I cannot classify it under any category.And now I have reached a point where I no longer get excited about the prospects of visiting good old Bangalore.It is almost like the need has been obliterated. M is in Bangalore for a couple weeks.Before he booked his ticket,he asked me repeatedly if I wanted to go along.And I said no every single time.

As far as I am concerned,the focal point of a visit back home is to be with my parents and spend as much time as I can with them.I do love visiting the extended family and the whole bunch of aunts and uncles and aunts-in-laws etc.I enjoy the get-togethers and the conversation and more importantly,the food!But its not like I would be disappointed or something if all of this did not happen.See the thing is I am the only child and I am quite close to my parents.Well, I don't know how to exactly define my closeness to them.When I was much younger and in school and college,I used to share everything with my parents,especially my mother.I would call her from the movie theater and tell her that I bunked class and I am here watching a movie and would hang up before she could even respond! I did not care about the scolding I would get once I reached home but as long as my guilt was allayed and my mother knew exactly where I was, I was ok.After I was out of college and started working,I slowly began to feel the need for some space of my own.I did not feel the need to tell my parents about everything that was happening with me.But I did not want to alarm them with a sudden change in behavior lest they start suspecting that I was doing drugs or something equally drastic!So I would still talk to them about a lot of things like work and office politics but just not everything under the sun.The long talks continue to date but again it is limited to everything that they have to share with me or bitching sessions about relatives or cricket conversations.

So when I was in Bangalore on both occasions,what I really cherished was the quality time that I spent with my folks.We talked and talked and sometimes we would be talking about the same thing over and over again.But that is the kind of family we are.We talk a lot.We are very physical people.We hug a lot.We playfully whack our mothers' bottoms and pinch our mothers' cheeks until they turn pink.But my in-laws on the other hand are not so much into talking and sharing thoughts and feelings.Whatever needs to be said is said.There is no unnecessary display of emotions.But they do make a sincere effort to talk and communicate with both their DILs.So when I visit them and spend the day with them,it is really nice because we have things to talk about.But the next day onwards,it is really difficult for me to get adjusted to their ways because there is hardly anything left to say.And so I try to make conversation to fill the silence and I end up saying something totally out of context and embarrassing myself and sometimes embarrassing them!

My parents were here recently for a couple of months and we had a wonderful time together.We did all the talking and bonding that we possibly could! And before that my MIL was here for a couple of weeks. So when M asked me if I wanted to go to Bangalore with them,I was inclined to decline.Apart from the food,I wasn't particularly interested in visiting my hometown for any other reason.I mean it is not like I don't ever want to go back or something.Given a chance,I would hop onto a plane anytime.But the trip itself would have to be devoid of any emotional baggage attached to it.It would be a short fun trip and I would be going to enjoy myself and to have a good time. And this realization is kind of alarming especially when I see my aunts who have been living in this country for more than 15 years get all hyper about their annual visit back home.

Its just that home now means the home that M and I have made for ourselves here.So it is our home and my parents house and his parents house.There is a clear distinction.

Edited to add:
I have nothing against Bangalore.I love the city and it will always be my first home.But a trip to Bangalore involves much more than just a visit to the city of Bangalore.There is a lot of emotional baggage attached and this is what I dislike.A lot of decisions have to be made about how to time slice between the parents and in-laws and the entire gamut of relatives.Everything one does is speculated and discussed.Oh it is not at all simple!In my aunts' case,a visit back home still means going to amma's place and get waited upon hand on foot.In my case,I refuse to let my mother slog in the kitchen all day long just because I am around and just because there is this inane need for her to feed me till my seams burst open.I would much rather prefer to take her out to dinner or lunch and be able to spend more time that way.Even when my parents visited us,I did not let her into the kitchen for several days until she declared war against me for doing so.My rationale was that she was on vacation and she deserved a break.But apparently she was feeling very left out because she wasn't in charge of the kitchen and that was her territory.I want my trips back home to be just about me going back to have a good time with my loved ones.But it usually entails a lot more that that.

Of anniversaries..

I am still around in case you were wondering about my whereabouts.

So we celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary last week.Considering how everyone has been gushing about it,I am safely assuming that it is an achievement of some sort.And I, of course, take full credit.We went out to dinner to this restaurant atop a revolving tower located in Dallas downtown.The view was spectacular for one got to see the whole of Dallas in about an hour as thats how long one entire revolution took.The food of course sucked and the service was ok.Apart from enjoying the view and each other's company, M and I spent considerable amount of time trying to figure out how the waiters managed to remember who sat where and when.It can get very confusing thanks to the constant motion and the dim lighting does not help much either.Fun it was!

For our first wedding anniversary we went on this really fun hiking trip.We got lot of phone calls from lot of people,wishing us on the occasion.And invariably everyone wanted to know what we were doing.(Not who silly,what.....what).And the moment we told them about our plans,they gasped in horror.Holy cow, a hiking trip?!What the hell is that?Since when did that qualify as romantic?Or a celebration? Who does that for a first anniversary?Who does that for any anniversary?How lame can one be?
So this year when we revealed our grand plans,everyone was very satisfied that we finally had become normal people.A candle light dinner in a fancy restaurant!Oh yes,that is how it is done.Look up any website and they will endorse it. Convention does count for something,no.

Food and bliss

The husband plans to visit Bangalore after 4 long years, for a couple of weeks.He wants to spend as much time as he possibly can---eating(what else!).Now all he remembers is some chicken/mutton rolls from some place called Fanoo's.

So all you Bangalore foodies out there,indulge us here and help the man out by suggesting some really good eateries , you know, the to-die-for kinds?

Your help will be much appreciated!

Its only words..

There used to be a time when I was considered to be rather impudent and rude because I said it like I saw it.I was brutally honest,like in-your-face honest. This trait of mine was a part of who I was and I saw nothing wrong with it. People close to me understood where I was coming from and accepted it. And as for the others who did not get me, I couldn’t care less.

But things changed when I started working. My first job. I was 21 and fresh out of college and that was my foray into the big, bad, ugly corporate world. People who did well at work were those smooth and slick (sic?) operators who knew exactly what to say at any given moment. They kissed ass religiously and knew exactly how to get noticed without putting in a decent day's worth of effort. They were sarcastic beyond reasonable limits and would switch loyalties in a second. I, on the other hand, was a textbook case of open mouth insert foot syndrome. As far as I was concerned, I was just speaking my mind and being myself. But it turned out that my brazenness wasn’t really appreciated and my honesty was misconstrued for over-confidence. To the extent that it started affecting the kind of assignments that were coming my way. So I decided to change. I was nice to everyone including those annoying MCP SOBs who could not handle having a girl on their team who was just as competent and smart as anyone else. I chose to ignore snide remarks and avoid confrontations. I did not argue or demand a better assignment. I did a good job of whatever was assigned to me. I was patient. I was tolerant.

On hindsight,I realize that it was just my immaturity and short-sightedness that made me change so drastically instead of finding an in-between, more moderate and appropriate solution.For a while, this avatar of mine was reserved only for the workplace. But as time passed by, it just became me. And I hated it. I hated the fact that I was overly concerned about what others think of me. I hated the fact that I don’t let my guard down easily. I hated the fact that I wanted to be nice to everyone and I was apprehensive of being disliked by someone. I hated the fact that though I was seething with rage from the inside, I found it in me to forget and move on like nothing ever happened. Until one day it hit me that all this was such a truckload of crap! Why on earth should I let go and then be trampled upon for no reason? Thank heavens! I have actually started making a conscious effort to detox myself and try and get back to my old self. There has been a considerable improvement in the sense that people rubbing me the wrong way do not get away as easily as they would , say 2 years ago. For which I am plenty thankful---to myself.

And yet I cannot help but envy people who manage to say the right things at the right time. When I am overcome by extreme emotions like anger or hatred or frustration or even happiness for that matter, I just clam up. I can never ever think of the right thing to say at that moment. So much so that I find it hard to even let out expletives. I don't think I have ever cussed aloud to-date! It’s like I am thinking f*** you biatch get out of my face but all I manage to say is take a hike. You get my drift? So its either open-mouth-insert-foot or close-mouth-stay-mum. But the good thing is that this hasn't deterred me from arguing my point or saying what’s on my mind to begin with. I have a long way to go though but the first few steps have been taken.

What maketh you?Apparently what you eat or rather do not eat.

Today I realized just how much of an impedance one's food habits can be in one's social life.Four months ago,I started work at my current company and on my very first day,one of my co-workers, CP , invited me to join him and the gang for lunch.As much as I was dying to go,I had to say no.They were going to a seafood place and a side of potatoes aside, there was nothing on the menu that qualified as fodder-for-the-vegetarian.I politely explained my predicament to the guys and they pretended to understand.Because I was the new girl,I guess they had no choice but to let it slide by that I ate no meat.And then a couple of weeks later, the gang was going to Chick-Fill-A and again CP asked me if I wanted to go and again I had to decline since that was that was the day I chose to wake up late and hence be late to my physical therapy session and hence skip breakfast in order to get to the weekly meeting on time.So I just had to have a decent meal of which I saw no hope if I decided to tag along with them.And thus I ended up gorging on a humongous Masala Dosa while the gang bonded over chicken. Cut to the present. Today CP was rounding up whoever was there to grab a bite and guess what,I wasn't even invited! Apparently he was in the mood for a burger today and who has ever heard of a vegetarian burger anyway? And even if there was one,it was sacrilege of the first order.

Given that I don't talk much when I am at work since I take a while to get comfortable with people, I can almost hear them thinking the B-word in their heads.But it is so unfair,this whole situation.I don't judge people who are carnivorous,M included,so why should I be judged for not being one?Vegetarians are a legitimate-not-so-extinct-valid species,no.

Stupid stupid American-fare restaurants.

To be or not to be...married

My Chinese co-worker,Zeng,was in a foul mood today.Why you ask?Her boyfriend shifted base to the US recently and moved in with her.Ever since he arrived,he has been terribly sick and just refuses to adjust to the place.Apparently he complains about the weather and the people and the food and everything else and this is driving Zeng nuts!So she says to me, "I always assumed that a live-in relationship would be lot of fun unlike marriage.But in my case,turns out that it is just as bad if not worse." This from someone who has never been married!

People seem to have all these extreme pre-conceived notions about the instituion of marriage, most of which is hear say of course.On one end of the see-saw,there is this section of people for whom marriage is nothing but a shackled existence involving complete relinquishment of freedom.They are convinced that once married,they cease to be their own person and are forced to do and say things which they don't really want to.They would just end up rearranging their whole life around their husband/wife and family and would get buried under all those innumerable social obligations that suddenly appear out of nowhere.Life basically morphs into one endless compromise and there is no way out.And then on the other end of the very same see-saw are the dreamers.These folks strongly believe that marriage is a fairy tale.Life is all about perfect in-laws,butterflies,rainbows,heart shaped balloons,lots of sex,lots of mush and happily ever after is how goes life.There are no fights,no arguments,no screaming,no sink full of dishes,no laundry,no vacuuming,no grocery shopping and no snoring in the bedroom.

And then there are folks who have been there and done that.Folks who know that just like anything else,marriage is also a mixed bag,a roller coaster ride.It can as much fun or as much miserable as you make it to be.Bottom line,just like anything else,its all in your hands.Makes sense right?And yet any unmarried person you talk is as extremist as one can get.I have never come across any bachelor/spinster willing to even talk about marriage on neutral grounds.As much as I endorse marriage and highly recommend it,I am not saying that it is for everyone.But what I am trying to do is figure out what it is about marriage that evokes such extreme reactions?That too from people who have never been married ever.

What?!

Sometimes people say the darnest things. I was chatting with this friend of mine on GTalk yesterday,lets call her SS. Now I do not know this girl all that well. We ran into each other at times when in grad school and we even took the same class this one term. And we occasionally chat. Thats about how acquainted we are.

The premise: I had written about the high school reunion of sorts that happened during the Labor Day weekend? Okay, so I was going over some pictures taken during that trip and came across this lovely snap which has all the four guys : Nik, Ash, G and of course M and I. Bhara and Priya are not in the picture though as they live in the other side of the hemisphere and not to mention,were sorely missed. But the point is that this is our gang, our group of buddies who have managed to remain so for over 15 years now. We used to hang out together all the time in school and even after. We laughed, we talked, we pulled each other’s legs, we ate, we drank, we fought, we talked some more…we hung out. And now that some of us are married, our respective spouses also get to be a part of the group and we have that much more fun together.

So yes, the picture. It has the 4 guys mentioned above and me in huddle with me standing in the center, flanked by two guys on either side and one of them is of course my husband! And Ms.SS sees the picture in my Orkut album and has this to say and I quote:

SS : woh jo snap hai na... usko dekhke mere ko draupadi yaad aayi!

Me: wah!kya dimaag chaltha hai tera!

SS: main kya karu re... ek ladki aur itne saare ladke use gher ke khade hain..

Me: tho?

SS: to kuch nai……jo mujhe strike hua maine bola..!

I cannot even begin to describe how I felt after reading her comment…this whole gamut of emotions ranging from shock to surprise to anger to amusement to resentment to disbelief to amazement to I-don’t-know-what.It is not like SS is some old fashioned Indian broad.She seemed to be quite nice as a person.She is intelligent.She is outgoing and friendly.She is young(just in case you thought age had something to do with her devious mind!)And whats more,she has several guy friends with whom she hung out all the time at school.She seemed to be quite alright until yesterday of course.So where was this coming from? Was it just a frivolous,off hand comment that she thought in her mind to be funny and worth a laugh or two? Or was it jealousy? Or was it spite? Or was it her narrow-mindedness speaking?

I just do not get it.

I was ticked off after reading some really idiotic comments by two anonymous clowns on Broom's blog.But this...what can possibly beat this??!!